ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN 2019
At the time when this post was originally written, I was in the process of working through the realization that I was an abuse survivor. As I’ve done my entire life when I’m trying to process something, I wrote. This poem is what came out as I let myself sit with these feelings.
This has been a rough month for me. Confronting old traumas and doing the work of healing is exhausting. It’s good work, but it’s hard AF.
As I’ve been letting myself sit with hard realizations and hard feelings, the words, “I’m not broken” have kept popping into my head repeatedly. It’s given me some pause. It’s made me ponder how I view myself in the midst of all of this.
Am I irredeemably broken, like I feel sometimes? Am I doomed to a lifetime of pain and being stuck? Or am I just a human being that is going through a storm and I will survive and be stronger for it?
It’s so easy for those of us who have lived through abuse and trauma to come out the other side feeling not-so-whole. There are pieces of our souls that have been forever changed. We’re chipped. We’re damaged. We’re hurting. We feel so completely broken in every which way.
But those feelings can lie to us about who we are.
This poem arose out of all of that dust.
I’m Not Broken
Sitting in the dark Tear-stained cheeks I don't know how I'll survive the night I feel so weak So powerless and bruised But I know that I'm not broken I know I'll make it through Slowly rising to my feet There's strength in my bones I didn't know I had I don't know how I survived this far I feel so alone So afraid and so fragile But I know that I'm not broken I know I'll make it through Walking forward I see the light ahead I don't know how I'm doing this I feel so unsure of the next step So anxious and so wary But I know that I'm not broken I know I'll make it through Opening the door Walking out into the world A new life is waiting for me I can feel it I don't know where my path will lead I feel so brave and a coward all at once So curious and so on guard about tomorrow But I know that I'm not broken I will be okay
I have many thoughts. Realizing then processing shocks then heals our nervous system. Critical healing. Poetry helps! I related your poem to enduring a trial, my husband’s brain injury against the railroad company. The railroad’s lawyers did such a good job the jury awarded a tiny amount of money for lost wages and pain and suffering. As you expressed, we are not broken, we will be okay. Thank you!